For my next step out of my comfort zone, I decided to join a tv competition. After several years of fostering to adopt, we learned there is a mailing list of foster children that are legally free for adoption. We joined the mailing list at the beginning of the year, and recently a child popped up that could be a good fit for our family. So we have been added to the list of contestants (interested families), and we now have to wait a week to find out if we made it to the list of finalists. The judging is all based on our home study. It reeks of a TV competition. The contestants go into the tryout room and find out if they get the plane ticket, or in our case, if we will get to meet the child. It doesn’t seem right, but I also know the social workers are doing their best to find the most suitable home for the children. It just feels odd.
It all seems so out of place in a scenario where you are trying to build a family. We haven’t even met the child yet. As a foster to adopt mom, my journey to motherhood has been anything but ordinary. There was no pregnancy, no baby showers, no gender reveal parties, and when the day comes, you may not get a baby. You may go from no children to multiple children, or teenagers, or a five-year-old. There is no party to reveal that. There is also no indication on when it will happen. It could be 1 week to 1 year, depending on what criteria you need to be met. Next, you spend a couple of years, not sure what the fate will be for this little person you love. Will you be able to adopt, or will they return to their bio family? What makes it all worth it is love. The day I met my son, I fell in love. He was 2 months old, and as I outstretched my arms to hold him, he threw up all over me. I desperately looked at my husband and thought, what have we done? But by the end of that first day, we were in love. He would look so deeply into my eyes it was as if he could read my soul. Up to this point, I doubted I even had a maternal instinct, but as I held him in my arms, all I wanted to do was keep him warm and safe, protect him and love him forever. Who knew?!
Here we are on chapter two, and in some twisted game show. Are we the best option for this child? I don’t know. I actually don’t know much of anything at this point. If we are a good fit on paper, will the child like us? Will they fit well within our family? It could be the best decision I have ever made, or it could be a major regret. No one will know until this journey is finished. So here I am again, navigating into uncharted waters. Everyone is apprehensive. We have all had our hearts stomped on and wholly disregarded. My husband and I still don’t know what we are doing. Do we take this one last chance? My extended family doesn’t think so. They are protective. They know what can happen. My husband isn’t even convinced, but he will honor my decision.
I still feel strongly, however, that my son needs a sibling. We still need the final piece to our puzzle. Will we ever foster again? I think we will. We need a break from it for now. When we do foster again, my child(ren) will be older. I want him to understand and have a voice in our decision. I think for now he needs a forever sibling. My husband and I have so much more love to give, and hopefully, we have found just the right little one who needs us too. You would think we like to feel powerless, but it is the opposite. We are both extremely uncomfortable with it, but we push ahead anyway, knowing it will take its toll on us again. The stakes are high, but the reward for everyone involved is beyond measure.
